Why is it that we can rally behind our best friends, champion their goals, and offer pep talks worthy of a movie montage, but when it comes to ourselves?
Nada.
As a therapeutic coach, I've seen this pattern play out countless times.
Someone will sit across from me, raving about how their partner deserves a raise or is the most supportive person ever - whilst also just having let off some steam about a small quarrel they had with them that morning.
This is because we love them and see the good in them.
We are forigiving of their flaws and understand they need support and encouragement.
But when asked about their own aspirations, the enthusiasm evaporates.
So why do we struggle to root for ourselves with the same gusto?
At its core, this phenomenon is rooted in a cocktail of self-doubt, societal messaging, and unexamined emotional narratives.
We’ve been conditioned, often subtly, to believe that taking ourselves seriously equates to arrogance or selfishness.
Add in a fear of failure (or, for some, even fear of success) and you’ve got a perfect storm for staying small.
But here's the twist: When we don't take ourselves seriously, we sabotage growth before it begins.
Think of it like trying to water a garden while insisting the plants aren't really worth the effort.
How's that working out for your roses?
What's Really Going On
The psychological roots run deep. Often, it boils down to:
Early Conditioning
Were you praised for effort, or only for outcomes? Did your successes get brushed off as luck? If so, your brain learned that you weren't inherently worthy of celebration.
Perfectionism
The inner critic whispers, 'If I can't do it perfectly, why try?' Spoiler alert: That voice is lying.
Impostor Syndrome
The nagging feeling you're fooling everyone and one day they'll find out you're a fraud.
Unmet Attachment Needs
If you felt unseen or unheard growing up, you may have internalised the belief that your voice doesn't matter.
These patterns make it easy to be a cheerleader for others while quietly benching yourself.
But it doesn't have to stay this way.
Shifting the Narrative
Taking yourself seriously doesn't mean becoming self-absorbed. It means honouring your own potential with the same care and respect you offer others.
Here’s how to start shifting the script:
Recognise the Patterns
Start by noticing when you downplay your own achievements or hesitate to invest in yourself.
Awareness is step one.
Challenge the Inner Critic
Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself?
If not, it's time for a rewrite. Learn to challenege that voice that tells you you're not.
Redefine Humility
Humility doesn't mean shrinking.
It means acknowledging your strengths without arrogance.
Validate Your Efforts
Celebrate progress, not just outcomes.
Give yourself credit for showing up.
Steps You Can Take at Home
. Here are actionable steps you can try solo:
Start a 'Wins Journal': Every day, write down something you did well, no matter how small. Momentum builds self-trust.
Practice Self-Pep Talks: Seriously, talk to yourself in the mirror. Channel your inner coach. Imagine you're talking to a friend and notice the difference.
Set Micro-Goals: Break big dreams into manageable steps. Checking things off builds confidence.
Create a Ritual of Self-Investment: Whether it's a creative hobby, fitness, or learning something new, prioritise yourself intentionally.
When to Bring This To Therapy
While self-work at home is powerful, therapy can take it deeper.
Consider exploring:
The Origins of Self-Doubt: When did you first learn to downplay yourself?
Unmet Emotional Needs: Are there parts of you still seeking validation from others?
Rewriting Limiting Beliefs: What stories about yourself need a rewrite?
Exploring the Fear of Change: Sometimes staying small feels safer. Why?