
What other people think about you is none of your business. That's what Regina Brett - author, journalist and podcaster - says, and I tend to agree.
But have you ever found yourself replaying a conversation with a stranger, dissecting every word you said, wondering if they secretly thought you were awkward or unlikable?
Welcome to the club.
Overthinking and anxiety about how others perceive us can feel like a relentless internal critic, micromanaging our social lives. But why do so many of us wrestle with this destabilizing pattern of thought?
To unravel this, let's explore the psychological roots of our fixation on others' opinions, examine when it actually matters, and break down how therapy and coaching can help us reclaim our mental peace.
The Evolutionary Roots of Social Anxiety
Believe it or not, your tendency to obsess over what people think is not a glitch—it's an ancient survival mechanism. Our ancestors thrived in tight-knit groups where being accepted was a matter of life and death. To be shunned could mean losing access to vital resources or protection. Thus, the human brain evolved to be hyper-aware of social cues and potential rejection.
This sensitivity, while once adaptive, now often misfires in modern settings where social rejection rarely results in literal danger. Yet, the primitive parts of our brain still activate, flooding us with cortisol and anxious thoughts.
The Role of Ego and the Fear of Judgment
Psychoanalysis, particularly the work of Freud and Lacan, offers deeper insight into why we feel so vulnerable to others' judgments.
Freud’s theory of the ego—our conscious sense of self—suggests that our identity is partly shaped by how we believe others see us. When we feel judged, it threatens our ego, prompting defensive anxiety.
Jacques Lacan took this further with his theory of the “mirror stage.” As infants, we begin to understand ourselves through the gaze of others, forming a concept of the self based on external reflection. As adults, this continues, but the ‘mirror’ expands to societal expectations, peer opinions, and even the imagined thoughts of strangers.
This makes us vulnerable to what social psychologist Charles Cooley called the “Looking Glass Self” — the idea that we see ourselves through the perceived judgments of others, not necessarily reality.
The Distorted Lens: Cognitive Bias and Overthinking
Anxiety often amplifies our focus on negative feedback, thanks to cognitive biases like:
Negativity Bias: Our brains prioritize negative experiences for survival reasons, making us dwell more on criticism than praise.
Mind-Reading: Assuming we know what others think, even without evidence.
Personalisation: Believing that others' reactions are about us, even when unrelated.
These biases create a distorted perception where a single awkward moment can feel like a social catastrophe.
When Should We Care About Others' Opinions?
Let’s be clear: sometimes caring about others' opinions is both healthy and necessary.
Feedback helps us grow, learn, and maintain meaningful relationships. But there’s a fine line between constructive awareness and destructive rumination.
Care When:
Seeking professional feedback or mentorship.
Navigating close personal relationships where mutual respect matters.
Adjusting behaviour for community harmony (e.g., cultural sensitivity).
Let It Go When:
The opinion comes from a stranger or irrelevant source.
It’s based on unfair judgments or superficial assumptions.
It hinders your self-expression or mental health.
The key is discernment: Does the opinion offer value or merely trigger anxiety?
How Therapy Can Help
The good news? You’re not doomed to a life of overthinking every sideways glance.
Both therapy and coaching can offer powerful tools for breaking free from this cycle.
1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
CBT works by identifying and challenging the irrational thought patterns driving social anxiety. If you catch yourself mind-reading or catastrophising, a therapist can help you reframe those thoughts and teach you how to do them in your own life.
2. Psychoanalytic Therapy
For those interested in deeper exploration, psychoanalysis delves into the unconscious roots of your fears—like unresolved childhood experiences where validation felt scarce.
3. Mindfulness-Based Approaches
Mindfulness helps ground you in the present moment, reducing the mental spiralling triggered by imagined judgments.
4. Therapeutic Coaching for Self-Confidence
Therapeutic coaching can assist you in developing practical strategies for confidence-building, such as assertiveness training and boundary setting, which can reduce the weight you give to external opinions.
Building Healthier Mental Habits
While therapy and coaching provide structured support, here are some immediate strategies you can try:
Reality Check: Ask yourself, “Is this thought based on fact or assumption?”
Perspective Shift: Remind yourself, “People think about me far less than I imagine.”
Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend.
Detachment Practice: Visualize opinions as clouds passing in the sky or a train whizzing through the station — temporary and not defining.