I'm supposed to be doing something adult, like cleaning, walking the dog, or working, but instead, I find myself on social media, in one of my typical stalking moments, staring at your face. At the photograph that I took of you, with all its likes, and no sign of its creator, staring back at me. I miss your eyes more than I can say. Mine fill with tears as I try and let the grief be swallowed back down. I want to smother your face in kisses and feel the smell of your neck, the soft hairs of your crew cut brushing against my face. I also want to chain you to the back of a horse-drawn cart, watch whilst plebs throw food at you, and then sit in blissful delight as I watch a guillotine come down on that beautifully scented neck.
I love you with all of my heart and miss you so much that it makes me want to die, and hate you enough to want to take your head clean off for making my heart ache in this way.
By your
Julia Samuel writes in her 19 book 'Grief World: Stories of Life Death and Surviving' that pain is the agent of change and that the '...paradox of grief is finding a way to live with this pain is what enables us to heal.'
Grief is a difficult one because there's no way around it. Its not like when you get sick, and you're sick for a while, and then you get better. You don't get better from grief. And grief can come from a loss of any kind really. But an attachment loss...the grief that comes with that can be life changing for some people. I know I've experienced grief that left me feeling like i was never going to be the same ever agin. Bceeuase sometimes the grief tricks you into thinking that you're ok.
You'll have days where you smile again and laugh and you don't always feel guilty about doing that and those feel like really big small wins. and they be days when you can channel all of your pain into being creative, working hard, being motivated, refocusing that energy. And grief can let you go to bed btinking that you've really nailed that day and are moving forwards and you're starting to get better.
Then you can wake up the next morning and its like the whole world changed overnight including you. Noting makes you want to smile. Nothing can distract you. You get no sense of fulfilment from doing anything, even things you enjoyed the day before. ou dot want to see people. You don't want to speak to anyone. You don't want to do anything. But you also want to do everything because not doing anything is so painful. Some days grief makes you sit down with it all day and wherever you go there it is. There it is. All the time. It was to pull you in and pull you down.
Then an hour later you might feel something completely different. Even five minutes later you might feel something completely different.
The pain rages to the surface, like a predator in the ocean, before diving back down and you dot know where it is or when it's coming back up again. You're just left bobbing there trying to stay afloat.
That's what Julia Samuels says - that the way to process grief is feel the pain, then distract. Feel the pain, then distract. It gradually becomes more bearable.
Im waiting for that. Because the pain is unbearable.
I get lost in thoughts of you constantly. What you're dping, what youre thinking. Just wanting it all to go back to how it was before it started hurting.
I know in the past I've avoided feeling the pain of loss. I've covered it up with things, and people, alcohol, drugs and medication.
Nothing feels worth anything without you. It's not that I can't enjoy loving relationships with others still but there;'s something inside of me that feels dormant at best and dead at worse. It's the pain. The pain never completely lets me forget that it's there.
I live in the past. I live in this world of ghosts. There's no future now for us.
There's no more of us.
There's no more memories now for us. You just live in my head now.
When is it going to stop feeling like this?