
Do you ever feel like you have multiple personalities?
You're not alone.
I hear this all the time, both in the therapy room and outside it.
And in my own life.
Although sometimes pathology is at play, and personality disorders need to be diagnosed, which first requires a visit to the doctor, it's actually very common to feel like there are multiple parts of you, existing inside of you, and they all want different things.
Maybe one part of you wants to go to bed with a book and get an early night, but there's another part of you that wants to stay up with a glass of wine (normally closely followed by a packet of biscuits. Or is it that just me?)
Maybe a part of you really wants to go out with your friends for a wild night, but another part of you just wants to go to bed (again, avec le biscuits).
Or, maybe a part of you desperately wants to get work or an assignment done - to stick to the plan you made for yourself. But another part of you wants to sit and watch Friends on Netflix until you hit season six.
We all speak to ourselves in this way.
We all have these battles in our head.
And we all have the capacity to react very differently depending on the context and situation...and the person/people involved.
Sometimes we can feel like we're trying to make 12 different people who live inside of us happy, and can never seem to get it right.
Internal Family Systems Theory (sounds dull, I know, but stick with it - it's not) is a powerful therapeutic framework that has transformed the way I work with clients, and myself, in tackling this very problem.
Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s, IFS offers a compassionate and effective approach to healing emotional wounds by helping individuals understand and harmonise their internal world.
What is Internal Family Systems Theory?
At its core, IFS is based on the understanding that the mind is naturally multiple. Rather than being a singular, monolithic entity, the mind consists of various sub-personalities or "parts," each with its own experience, perspective, feelings, and motivations.
These parts often interact like members of a family, with some taking on protective roles and others carrying deep emotional burdens.
IFS identifies three primary categories of parts:
Exiles: These parts hold painful emotions, memories, and traumas. They are often hidden away to protect the person from overwhelming feelings.
Managers: These parts attempt to control situations and behaviours to prevent the exiles from being triggered. They may manifest as perfectionism, self-criticism, or people-pleasing tendencies.
Firefighters: These parts react impulsively when exiles are triggered, seeking to numb pain through behaviours like substance use, overeating, or distractions.
At the centre of the IFS model is the Self—a core, compassionate presence characterised by qualities such as calmness, curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, creativity, courage, and connectedness.
The Self is not a part but the true essence of who we are when not dominated by protective strategies.
How IFS Works in Therapy
How does this look in the therapy room when helping clients explore and heal their inner landscapes? Here's how the process often unfolds:
Identifying Parts: Begin by identifying the different parts that are active in a client's life. This might involve noticing critical voices, recurring fears, or reactive behaviours.
Developing Awareness: Clients learn to separate from their parts by observing them with curiosity rather than judgment. This distance allows for greater understanding and compassion.
Building Relationships with Parts: I guide clients to form relationships with their parts, understanding the protective roles they play. This helps reduce fear and resistance. This may look like reassuring the part that we are not trying to tell or force it to give up a behaviour but instead seek to understand what that behaviour helps the part cope with managing.
Accessing the Self: By accessing the Self, clients can offer compassion and leadership to their parts. When the Self is present, healing can occur without force or suppression. Think of it like a centred, kind and gentle parent who reassures each child in turn that they are safe with them.
Healing Exiles: With the Self leading, clients can approach exiled parts with care, allowing them to release painful burdens and integrate into a healthier internal system.
How to Apply IFS in Everyday Life
You don't need to be in therapy to begin exploring IFS concepts in your own life. Here are some steps to start:
Practice Self-Observation: Begin noticing different parts of yourself, especially in moments of stress or conflict. Is it the part that wants to go on a bender? Or shout at someone out the car window for not saying thank you? Or sit and eat three packets of biscuits? Identify when you feel critical, fearful, reactive, lonely, stressed etc.
Name Your Parts: Give these parts names or descriptions based on their roles. For example, The Perfectionist, The Worrier, The Soother, The Wild One, The Bouncer.
Cultivate Curiosity: Approach these parts with curiosity rather than judgment. Ask yourself, What is this part trying to protect me from? It normally comes down to avoiding being hurt/feeling vulnerable/avoiding emotional discomfort/not feeling enough.
Identify the Self: Notice moments when you feel calm, compassionate, and centered. This is your Self energy leading. Keep doing things that allow your Self to be present.
Engage in Dialogue: Imagine having a conversation with a part. What does it need? How can you reassure it? Actually have conversations, in your head or out loud, with those parts, as if the Self is the parent and the part is the child. But remember that this is an equal respect relationship where power imbalances will not work.
Journalling: Writing from the perspective of your parts can help clarify their roles, their fears, and their experiences, creating space for self-compassion.