Why do I keep attracting narcissists?

Q. No matter what I do, or how many times I try to date someone 'different', I always seem to end up in these awful relationships with narcissists. And even when I realise that something really isn't right, I still go back, and then hate myself for it.

At this point, I feel like it's something I must be doing or 'giving off' that is causing this.

It's the million-dollar question and the one that I get asked repeatedly in the therapy room.

The reason people get stuck on this question, and it torments them so much, is because they've been asking it for a long time.

This isn't their first rodeo.

But first, you need to determine if you've been in a relationship with a narcissist.

However, I want to make it very clear from the off, that you are not to blame; you haven't caused this and certainly did nothing to deserve this kind of treatment.

The word narcissism is often misused in general life these days. Someone can be selfish, self-absorbed, lacking in compassion and empathy, inconsiderate, or be outright mean and nasty, and not be a narcissist. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a diagnosed disorder in the DSM5 and the symptoms must pervade the person's life and their relationships with detrimental effects.

It generally isn't one toxic relationship although, it could be that you are victim number one. When we bear in mind that they can moderate their behaviour, depending on who they're with, it's possible that the majority of people in their lives do not realise that they're a narcissist. They most likely don't realise it because it would go outside of what they believe about themselves.

The technical term for a relationship with someone who has NPD is a Pathological Love Relationship, coined by Sandra Brown, M.A., who also wrote 'Women Who Love Psychopaths' (read it, if you haven't already).

She said that there are four pieces of evidence you need to know if you're trying to work out if you have been in a PLR:

1. Erratic and dramatic relationship

2. Cluster B Personality Disorder: antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic

3. Symptoms of the survivor: click here

4. Survivor's personality Super Traits: particularly agreeableness and conscientiousness

Number four is the one we're interested in here. Let's really take a look at what those characteristics mean -

Agreeableness

Trusting, high belief in the ability to change, deep interest in others, tolerant, able to endure stress and difficulties, humble, empathic, kind, forgiving, peacemaker, generous, cooperative, straightforward, upfront, honest, faithful, warm, approachable, motivated to help others, willing to compromise, and considerate.

Conscientiousness

Efficient, competent, responsible, motivated to avoid (perceived) failure, organised, reliable, strong moral compass, controlled (not reactive, thinks before they speak etc), ambitious, good problem-solver, reflective, cautious, and diligent.

You can see how these personality traits, if on the wrong receiving end, can cause problems to arise. They can be manipulated and used to someone else's advantage to the detriment of your own well-being.

They can be used to control you.

Even a covert narcissist can very well control their victim. Their apparent deep vulnerability and lack of confidence create a resonance within us to help nurture and fix this wound. Then the cognitive dissonance gets cranked up a million notches when they switch and show their real Self, leaving us bewildered and often picking up emotional or literal shards of glass scattered at our feet.

These 'super traits', as Brown refers to them, are also the reason that you continuously beat yourself about what you could have done differently and why you hate yourself on a daily basis for having gone back into the cycle despite cognitively knowing that you are being either emotionally and/or physically abused.

They say in therapy that you always have a lightbulb moment (or more than one, if you're lucky). Mine was a few years in after we had started a conversation about this very thing - why do I keep attracting these men? My therapist told me that there are predators everywhere and that I just didn't have the tools to spot them in time. She said that other people, for example, would end the relationship when the first or second red flag came up. I, however, would soldier on, ever committed to the cause.

I thought about this and it made sense. It also made me feel a lot better. It wasn't that I was an idiot, it was that my boundaries were messed up. But then she added this next bit:

'The problem is that you are very naive.'

Well, she may as well have come along and gut-punched me because I was lost for words. How had I spent hours in this room, telling her my story, and everything that I had been through, witnessed, experienced and endured...and her professional opinion was that I am naive!

I was outraged. So I did what I always tend to do when I'm angry - I cried.

I told her that I couldn't believe she would think that.

She said that I was easily charmed because I so wanted to believe in the happily-ever-after.

That softened the blow, but boy did I stew on it for a week.

I returned the following Monday, plonked myself down in the armchair, and said, 'I've been really pissed off with you this week!' whilst smiling. She smiled back. 'Great! Tell me...' 'Well,' I continued, 'I was really pissed off. About you saying I was naive. But then I thought about it...and you're right. I have been naive. Very naive.'

And she really was right.

I was too trusting. My faith in people was misplaced. I believed so much that people could change that I had started to believe that anyone could change. Although it might sound a bit crazy coming from me and my line of work, I don't believe that anyone can change. People have to want to change. And lots of people simply don't because they don't see anything wrong with what they're doing and how they're treating people. They can't truly face themselves.

I was drawn like a magnet to those people.

I could list endless occasions in my 20s when I put myself in some outrageously dangerous situations and didn't even consider that they could mean me harm.

I. Was. So. Naive.

Playing the game made my nervous system awaken and override my rational brain.

So what's the game?

Getting people who are mean to me to like me.

Why?

Because it is so familiar.

If I've had to fight for it then I, and the relationship, must really mean something and be worth something. And who's the hardest person to get to love you?

A narcissist.

So, for me personally, it hasn't just been about my personality traits. For me, it has been a whole modge podge of people and moments and survival strategies and who I am. My learning edge was that I had to eventually acknowledge within myself that there was something about these men that became like a drug to me. They were all perfect objects for me to hang my projections on. They impressed me in some way. They had the apparent confidence that I so lacked in myself. They made me feel special. They made me feel chosen. They made me feel worthy.

Momentarily.

The best thing you can do is see an experienced therapist. They should be able to help you make sense of what's happened/happening and, importantly, ground you. The cognitive dissonance leaves you in psychological sinking mud, as you try to make sense of the polarised versions of the person you've been in love with and the damage that's been caused.

It's a conundrum because you're using those Super Traits to try and make rational sense of an irrational problem.

Sandra Brown says that survivors often don't get the right kind of treatment in therapy because clinicians aren't aware of the differences between PLRs and domestic violence. Essentially, it's being treated as having come from the 'environment' and nothing to do with who you are. She says that we need to focus on treating the elevated personality traits of the survivor. For example, over 60% of the survivors they studied were not co-dependent and therefore only focusing on the client's family of origin is missing an imperative step. For some people, empathy, cooperation and tolerance are parts of their personality and not necessarily people-pleasing behaviours - they haven't learned it.

She insists that we must find the root and I agree.

Whether that's your character, the relationship you have with yourself, or your environment and attachment wounds. As long as it's identified, and worked with, that's all that matters.

Either way, you must get to the bottom of it in order to break the cycle and equip your tool bag for the future.

But if you are still confused I would simply encourage you to ask yourself...

What will it cost me if I stay here and love you?