What can I do about my mother's anger?

Q. Is it normal for a child to be afraid of their mother, even when they've grown up? What could be the reason?

I love my mother deeply - she is my best friend and the person I trust most in the whole world. But, despite there being no obvious reason as to why she gets so angry (she has no history of abuse) sometimes she is frightening and can subject me to a screaming rampage of obscenities, name-calling, and even throwing and smashing things. I am now very sensitive to loud bangs and noises and feel on edge all the time.

At a recent family gathering, she threw a plate of scones, that she had made, across the room because no-one was eating them. I was so embarrassed even though everyone knows what she is like. For her birthday last year, I baked her a cake (I don't bake as I don't think I'm very good at it but it turned out well and I was excited to show her). When I did though she barely looked at it and said she'd had a long day and to leave her alone. When I pressed her on it she went into a rage and didn't come home for three days.

I try my best to not set her off and foresee anything external that might make her angry. Deep down I feel angry with her about this but I really want to be close to her and have a healthy relationship.

What can I do?

You’re wondering whether it is common for children to fear their parents, even when they're all grown up. Unfortunately, the answer is yes. You are also wondering what is the cause of this fear.

It feels imperative to point out that there is a difference between respecting one's parents and not wanting to do things that would disappoint them, and being afraid of them.

Generally, when a child feels fear around a parent, it’s because the parent consistently behaves in ways that are unpredictable and frightening to the child’s nervous system. Ongoing, inescapable exposure to relational trauma is the definition of CPTSD. Floods of cortisol essentially overwhelm the system and the trauma is broken down into pieces - stored in parts, if you will. The trauma is no longer 'one thing' to fear but is rather lots of separate triggers, which can mean that you have an augmented sense of fear. Threats can feel multiple and from a variety of directions. And so your Fight, Flight or Freeze is triggered.

This is also how attachment wounds and patterns occur.

Your mother is your best friend and the person you trust most in the whole world. However, she also subjects you to ‘a screaming rampage of obscenities, name-calling, and even throwing and smashing things.' You’re not afraid of your Mother, per se, but you are afraid of a part of her because it spills out onto others. You, in particular.

If you think about how a child, growing up, is in a lesser position of power than the parent, when the parent behaves in this way it is an incredibly distressing experience for the child to try and manage internally. They have nowhere to go - it is inescapable.

The way children learn to tolerate this is by splitting the person into good and bad. You are afraid of a particular part of her, that does exist, because you’ve experienced it over and over again. You are holding two polarised experiences of her in mind, which becomes incredibly confusing because they are two extremes.

The next time your Mum behaves in that way, I would encourage you to ask yourself – How old do I feel right now? I would guess it’s quite young and this is an indicator of how vulnerable you feel in those moments and your relationship with her, as well as how archaic this wound is.

You say that she has no history of abuse but there are many things a person goes through in life, as I’m sure you know, that we don’t talk about. Sometimes ever. But, if there isn’t anything that has caused your Mum to not be able to tolerate her anger – to contain herself – then this could be a more pervasive issue, in which case it may never dissipate. To give you a better idea, in the DSM5, pervasive disorders are developmental ones and personality disorders.

You can't love them to health.

The scone incident was, as I'm sure you realise, because no one was appreciating what she’d done – not appreciating her – and she wasn’t able to contain that rejection. Is there something for your Mum around not being appreciated? Is it fair that she might feel like that? I don’t know the full dynamics of your family to be able to answer that. I don’t think it’s a coincidence though that the time you excitedly and proudly ran to show her the cake you so thoughtfully baked for her on her birthday, that she either couldn’t or wouldn’t show her appreciation of you.

Often we resent giving others the things that we want for ourselves.

This moment, however, should never have been an argument. I'm so sorry you put that kind of love and effort in only to be met with anger and rejection. I am still holding that thought of you in my mind and it brings a real weight of sadness.

Your anger that you feel now is a healthy thing, so hold onto it, for the time being at least. It is your mind and body’s way of telling you that you aren’t being treated right.

Unfortunately, what you're describing about how you deal with your mother is the micro-managing of someone else's bad behaviour. Looking for triggers that might set her off and adapting yourself to not trigger her, is a form of rescuing behaviour in an abusive dynamic – you are essentially taking responsibility for her behaviour as if she were a child.

Although you think you’re tolerating it now, it will catch up with you – in your mind and body – if it hasn’t already. There are numerous studies to show this.

So, I guess what I’m saying, is that I think you're asking the wrong question. You already know the answer to the first question otherwise you wouldn't have written to me in the first place.

The answer to the second question isn’t down to you to figure out.

The real question is what are your choices? What is in your control? Are you willing to keep overlooking this, and micromanaging her? Walking on eggshells?

I don't mean that you should go and confront her. I'm imagining that would be a very intimidating and frightening idea in your mind right now, and probably reality would be close to that internal anxiety.

Try writing an Unsent Letter instead - just real, raw, angry, painful, unadulterated feelings and thoughts. Don't censor yourself. Don't think about how she would feel if she read those words. Don't think about whether it would trigger her or is fair or mean or even true.

Just write.

Put it away afterwards, or read it back - whichever feels right for you. Burn it if you want.

Maybe one day you'll feel that you are able to write her a letter, and actually send it. But just make sure it isn't the raw version because you must learn to protect Little You, Scared You, as much as possible. You also have to learn with empathy and healing how to protect Her.

This is what I'm talking about when I say what's in your control.

Because sometimes it means loving someone at a distance. For a while, at least. Then when you can take Her hand, and she knows you've got her back, the three of you might be able to sit down in a room together and...She will finally feel safe enough to speak.