The Social Media Conspiracy: What It's Doing To Your Self-Esteem

Helen Moores
Mar 22
5 min read

As a therapist, I often find myself talking about the need for self-care and boundaries. But when I talk about one specific form of self-care – the act of leaving social media behind – I’m met with understandable hesitation, skepticism, and resistance. After all, social media has become such a huge part of our lives.

I get it.

I’ve been there.

But I'm also someone who had the priviledge of growing up without it. Facebook came out when I was 21 years old and back then (and for years after) it was mainly used it to find long lost friends and people from times gone by.

(And for spying on boys who you used to fancy at school only to discover that the bubble had burst.)

We shared photos of our sunburn from our holiday to Gran Caneria with Aunty Sue, and mad nights out with our mates, so we could all see who embarrassed themselves the most.

Social media wasn't curated like it is now.

Growing up making constant comparisons to other girls, worrying about how I fitted into the world, being on the receiving end of unkind commentary, struggling with my self-esteem and confidence, and stressing about whether he was indeed that into me, were all things that I struggled with relentlessly growing up.

Just like everyone else raised in the 90s and...ever.

I can hear you say - but hang on! If you didn't have social media, and you still struggled with all of those things, how is social media bad and why should I give it up?!

Because all of that stuff is going to happen anyway - it is part of human nature, growing up, and discovering in the whole journey of your life who you are and how you feel about yourself. As a nearly 42 year old woman, I can promise you that it is an ever-evolving process.

I've yet to find the finishing line.

So, if it's going to happen anyway, social media opens you up to experiencing that on a scale that your brain is just not designed for. Your emotions just aren't designed for.

You aren't designed for.

And you're inviting it into your life, into your internal world, and ever-changing and growing sense of self.

You are leaving your door unlocked at night, going to bed, and then waking up next to a serial killer.

Or, worse...

the entire cast of America's Next Top Model.

In the months leading up to my social media desertion, I found myself trapped in the loop of endless doom scrolling, carelessly comparing myself to others, and wasting hours of precious time.

My brain was screaming out for respite from the world and doom scrolling is often perceived as a solution but actually it doesn't solve any of your problems - external or internal. They're waiting for you - right after you've been triggered goodness knows how many times, by dozens of different emotions, and now you feel like you need to draw the curtains and go back to bed (which is still warm from your three hour Tiktok marathon that you've just cut yourself off from because if you don't eat in the next three minutes you might die).

I'm not saying it's all bad - there is some amazing content out there. It's not conscious engagement that's the problem, but the kind of semi-conscious/unconscious/coma-like engagement that you know full well is doing nothing to help you feel any better inside than you did when you picked up your phone four days ago.

The Science Bit

Social media is designed to keep us hooked.

At its core, platforms like Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and TikTok are built to capture our attention, keep us engaged, and encourage us to return again and again. The mechanics of this are simple: our brains are wired to crave novelty, connection, and validation. When we scroll through a feed, we’re constantly bombarded with new information, images, and updates.

Each like, comment, or notification is a small hit of dopamine – the 'feel-good' neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. This creates a cycle of instant gratification, where we become increasingly dependent on these little bursts of approval to feel good about ourselves.

But this dopamine loop is just the beginning of the problem.

Because social media consumption triggers the brain’s reward system, making it harder to disengage. This is why we find ourselves mindlessly scrolling through feeds for hours, even when we know we have other things to do.

It’s not just that social media is entertaining – it’s addictive, and it activates the same pathways in the brain as gambling or substance use. This constant need for validation, and the rapid feedback loops that social media provides, is particularly powerful. For most of us, the idealised images we see on social media can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and FOMO.

Over time, this can undermine our mental health and self-worth and have longterm and serious affects.

One of the main reasons for this is the comparison trap.

Social media, by nature, shows only the highlights of people’s lives. We see curated images of success, beauty, and happiness, and our brains are quick to compare our own reality to the filtered perfection on screen. This can create a distorted sense of reality, where we feel like we’re falling short, even though the version of 'reality' we’re seeing is highly curated and often unrealistic.

The pressure to look a certain way, have the 'perfect' life, and keep up with others is overwhelming – and it can wreak havoc on our self-esteem.

Moreover, the psychological toll doesn’t just come from comparing ourselves to others – it also stems from our desire for external validation.

We check our notifications obsessively, seeking approval in the form of likes, comments, and shares. When we don’t get the validation we expect, we feel rejected or invisible, which can trigger feelings of inadequacy or anxiety. It’s a vicious cycle: we use social media to boost our self-esteem, but when it doesn’t work as expected, it leaves us feeling worse than before.

And it means that you are disengaged from the people who are sat right in front of you.

By stepping away from the noise of social media, I found clarity and peace. My relationships became more authentic, my sense of self-worth became more stable, and my time felt more precious.

Instead of scrolling through endless feeds, I now spend time nurturing my mental health, engaging in hobbies, and having deeper conversations with the people around me.

So, What Can You Do?

Here are a few things to consider if you’re feeling the negative effects of social media:

Set Boundaries: Start by limiting your time on social media. There are apps that can help track your usage and set daily limits. Challenge yourself to be more intentional with your time online.
Be Mindful: Pay attention to how you feel before and after you log on. Do you feel drained? Anxious? Reassured? Identifying these emotional responses can help you become more conscious, not only of your online habits, but also about what is really go on inside of you - why do you need to zone out?
Engage with Purpose: Instead of scrolling aimlessly, engage with content that enriches you. Follow accounts that inspire you, promote mental health, and foster positive connections.
Take Breaks: Try taking a social media break for a week or even a month. See how it affects your mental health and whether you feel more grounded and less anxious.

In the end, it’s about finding balance.

Social media doesn’t have to be bad for us – it’s how we use it that matters. By setting clear boundaries and being more mindful of its use and impact, we can prevent social media from taking over our lives.

For me, disconnecting from the digital world was a transformative act of self-care. And, for anyone willing to try it, I promise: the real world is far more rewarding than the one on your screen.

And even if it doesn't look or feel as shiny - that's ok.

Real life isn't. We aren't.

That's the whole point.

I get it.

I’ve been there.

But I'm also someone who had the priviledge of growing up without it. Facebook came out when I was 21 years old and back then (and for years after) it was mainly used it to find long lost friends and people from times gone by.

(And for spying on boys who you used to fancy at school only to discover that the bubble had burst.)

We shared photos of our sunburn from our holiday to Gran Caneria with Aunty Sue, and mad nights out with our mates, so we could all see who embarrassed themselves the most.

Social media wasn't curated like it is now.

Just like everyone else raised in the 90s and...ever.

I can hear you say - but hang on! If you didn't have social media, and you still struggled with all of those things, how is social media bad and why should I give it up?!

Because all of that stuff is going to happen anyway - it is part of human nature, growing up, and discovering in the whole journey of your life who you are and how you feel about yourself. As a nearly 42 year old woman, I can promise you that it is an ever-evolving process.

I've yet to find the finishing line.

So, if it's going to happen anyway, social media opens you up to experiencing that on a scale that your brain is just not designed for. Your emotions just aren't designed for.

You aren't designed for.

And you're inviting it into your life, into your internal world, and ever-changing and growing sense of self.

You are leaving your door unlocked at night, going to bed, and then waking up next to a serial killer.

Or, worse...

the entire cast of America's Next Top Model.

In the months leading up to my social media desertion, I found myself trapped in the loop of endless doom scrolling, carelessly comparing myself to others, and wasting hours of precious time.

The Science Bit

Social media is designed to keep us hooked.

Each like, comment, or notification is a small hit of dopamine – the 'feel-good' neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. This creates a cycle of instant gratification, where we become increasingly dependent on these little bursts of approval to feel good about ourselves.

But this dopamine loop is just the beginning of the problem.

Because social media consumption triggers the brain’s reward system, making it harder to disengage. This is why we find ourselves mindlessly scrolling through feeds for hours, even when we know we have other things to do.

Over time, this can undermine our mental health and self-worth and have longterm and serious affects.

One of the main reasons for this is the comparison trap.

The pressure to look a certain way, have the 'perfect' life, and keep up with others is overwhelming – and it can wreak havoc on our self-esteem.

Moreover, the psychological toll doesn’t just come from comparing ourselves to others – it also stems from our desire for external validation.

And it means that you are disengaged from the people who are sat right in front of you.

By stepping away from the noise of social media, I found clarity and peace. My relationships became more authentic, my sense of self-worth became more stable, and my time felt more precious.

Instead of scrolling through endless feeds, I now spend time nurturing my mental health, engaging in hobbies, and having deeper conversations with the people around me.

So, What Can You Do?

Here are a few things to consider if you’re feeling the negative effects of social media:

Set Boundaries: Start by limiting your time on social media. There are apps that can help track your usage and set daily limits. Challenge yourself to be more intentional with your time online.

Be Mindful: Pay attention to how you feel before and after you log on. Do you feel drained? Anxious? Reassured? Identifying these emotional responses can help you become more conscious, not only of your online habits, but also about what is really go on inside of you - why do you need to zone out?

Engage with Purpose: Instead of scrolling aimlessly, engage with content that enriches you. Follow accounts that inspire you, promote mental health, and foster positive connections.

Take Breaks: Try taking a social media break for a week or even a month. See how it affects your mental health and whether you feel more grounded and less anxious.

In the end, it’s about finding balance.

Social media doesn’t have to be bad for us – it’s how we use it that matters. By setting clear boundaries and being more mindful of its use and impact, we can prevent social media from taking over our lives.

For me, disconnecting from the digital world was a transformative act of self-care. And, for anyone willing to try it, I promise: the real world is far more rewarding than the one on your screen.

And even if it doesn't look or feel as shiny - that's ok.

Real life isn't. We aren't.

That's the whole point.