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Mourning.

Updated: Jun 25





I'm sat in my front porch watching the rain falling down. Great globules of water are hitting the glass in front of me, with the simultaneous power of the tiny droplets on the roof, creating a sound of intense *. I watch it fall in the garden, both nourishing and disrupting anything it comes into contact with, knocking petals from their delicate green cups.


I always find that my mood is strongly determined by the weather but every now and then, when I dream of greater things, I wonder if nature actually mourns alongside us. Reminding us that nothing is permanent, even when you're caught in a down pour, out on the hills, without a coat, whilst you're three miles from home, you have a hole in your welly, and feeling like you'll never be warm or dry again. Especially in those moments.


I keep going on walks, like I can walk you off or something. If I walk enough I'll walk off the grief and the pain. Like I can leave it behind somewhere, turns a corner and it won't be able to catch up with me. I go to places that we used to go to together just so I can feel closer to you.


I walked down by the lake yesterday. The clouds were black and threatening rain. Millie just managed to get into the lake, and drag out, from what felt like the middle of the lake, a ginormous log, that she insisted on swimming to shore with, whilst I stood there seriously debating whether I should leave my shoes on or not when I go in to rescue her from drowning.


I walked back and I could see the long cobbled straight wall and the grass below it, where the ducks and swans congregate, and I'm reminded of you. Of us. When we last sat there, under the stars, talking about how beautiful it was and how much we loved each other. I remember climbing back over the wall and you reaching out for my hand, as we walked down the middle of the road, me leaning against your shoulder and smelling the leather of your jacket. I remember looking up at your face, leading us on in the dark with only the moon to light our way, and looking at you and having this overwhelming sense of how much I loved you and how perfect I thought you were.

'I love you' I said, and you looked at me with those eyes, 'I love you too' you replied, and I kissed you.

I remember feeling how much I mnever wanted that moment to end. I jiust wanted to pause time and be able to stay there with you, just you and me, forever.


And now how different everything is without you.




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