Perfectionism: that exhausting, joy-sapping drive to be flawless at all costs.
If you've ever spent hours tweaking a project long into the night or berated yourself for a single typo in an otherwise top-notch presentation, you know the beast well.
Or you are berating yourself daily for not having done the 1,001 things that you think you should be accomplishing every single day, and in every single way, in order to meet the requirements of a 'successful and fully functioning adult.'
As a therapeutic coach, I've seen how this relentless pursuit of perfection can paralyse creativity, sabotage relationships, and leave people stuck in a cycle of never feeling 'good enough.'
It's like self-hate Groundhog Day.
So, where does this perfectionist streak come from?
Psychoanalysis: Enter the Superego
Sigmund Freud, the godfather of psychoanalysis, introduced the concept of the superego -the internalised voice of authority, morality, and (yep) judgment.
Freud believed this part of the psyche develops in early childhood as we absorb parental and cultural expectations.
When those expectations are particularly rigid or critical, children can internalise the belief that love and approval are conditional.
Be perfect...or else you've failed...and won't be loved.
Perfectionism becomes a defence mechanism - an attempt to secure safety and belonging in a world that feels emotionally unreliable.
Internalising the frustration and inconsistency of life becomes 'easier' than accepting that there are many things outside of our control.
Nancy Chodorow, building on Freud's ideas with a feminist twist, explored how perfectionism often originates in early caregiving relationships.
If a child grows up with a caregiver who is emotionally unavailable or overly critical, they may adopt perfectionism as a way to gain attention or avoid conflict.
It's less about being perfect and more about avoiding emotional abandonment.
Attachment Theory: The Roots of 'Good Enough'
Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, adds another layer.
Our early relationships with caregivers shape how we relate to ourselves and others.
A securely attached child learns - I am loved as I am.
But an anxiously attached child might learn - I need to perform to be loved.
When love feels contingent on success or compliance, perfectionism can bloom.
This often shows up as people-pleasing, over-functioning (causing burn out), and that relentless self-criticism whispering -
You could do better...you could do more.
The Inner Child and Perfectionism
Counselling theory also explores the 'inner child' - that vulnerable, young part of ourselves still seeking approval and safety.
Perfectionism can be the inner child’s attempt to control the uncontrollable, believing -
If I just get everything right, no one will leave me.
But here's the twist: your inner child is seeking approval.
When what they really need is self-compassion and acceptance.
And no amount of external praise can heal what needs to come from within.
The Cultural Layer: The Myth of the Perfect Self
Beyond family dynamics, perfectionism is often reinforced by our culture.
Hustle culture, airbrushed Instagram feeds, and relentless productivity mantras all whisper the same toxic message: You're only as valuable as your achievements.
Perfectionism becomes a badge of honour but beneath it often lies a profound fear of failure, rejection, or even being seen as ordinary.
And let's be real - being human is gloriously ordinary.
So, How Do We Overcome Perfectionism?
Healing perfectionism isn't about lowering your standards or embracing mediocrity. It's about reclaiming your humanity.
Here's how:
1. Name the Critic
Identify your inner perfectionist voice. Is it your mother's disapproving tone? A harsh teacher from the past? Recognising where that voice originated helps separate it from your authentic self.
2. Reparent Your Inner Child
Offer yourself the compassion you might've missed in childhood. When that critical voice pipes up, try responding with - I'm doing my best, and that's enough.
3. Challenge Binary Thinking
Perfectionism thrives in black-and-white thinking: success or failure, perfect or disaster.
Life, however, is a spectrum.
Embrace the 'good enough' - a concept introduced by Donald Winnicott, who argued that a 'good enough' caregiver meets a child's needs without being flawless.
4. Embrace Vulnerability
Perfectionism is often armour against vulnerability - the fear of being truly seen, flaws and all.
But real connection and growth happen when we allow ourselves to be imperfect.
Share your struggles, speak your truth, and watch how others lean in, not away.
5. Set Process-Based Goals
Shift from outcome obsession to process appreciation. Instead of 'I must write a flawless assignment,' try instead - I will write consistently and let the editing be messy.
6. Get Curious, Not Critical
When you catch yourself spiralling into perfectionism, get curious. What fear is driving this? What would happen if you just let yourself be...you?
7. Seek Support
Therapy and coaching can be powerful spaces to untangle perfectionist patterns. Sometimes, the simple act of being seen and accepted by another human starts the healing process.
The Bottom Line
Perfectionism isn't a character flaw - it's often a survival strategy born from a need for safety, love, and approval.
But it doesn't have to run the show forever.
By understanding its psychological roots and practising self-compassion and self-acceptance, you can loosen perfectionism's grip and step into a life where 'good enough' is truly, beautifully enough.