No Map, No Masterplan: Growing Through the Chaos

Hortensia by Fernand Khnopff

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For most of my life, I clung to the idea that there was a perfect, destined version of myself waiting to be uncovered. I thought that if I just made the right choices and followed the right path, I’d eventually step into the life I was meant to live.

But, as always happens, life doesn’t unfold the way we imagine.

It’s messier, more complicated, and certainly more painful than we expect.

Growing up, I was fed the same narrative as everyone else — the one where you finish school, find your career, meet 'the one,' buy a house, marry, have kids, and then everything just falls into place. Happiness, fulfillment, and success were presented as neat milestones, the natural course of life.

And I believed it.

But somewhere between childhood and adulthood, those ideals began to crumble. The world didn’t work the way I was promised it would. People didn’t behave as expected. No matter how many right decisions I tried to make, stumbling through unpredictable chaos, life still really hurt.

At times, it felt like I was circling the same pain over and over, always just short of what I imagined happiness would look like.

And life has continued to hurt, no matter how old I get.

There’s a common belief that we’re supposed not only to make the right choices in life but also to know what those choices are to begin with. Society tells us that the right career, relationship, or family will fill the hole inside. If we get it right, we’ll have it all — fulfilled our destiny, wasted no moment.

But the truth I’ve learned is that no amount of perfectionism or idealism will spare us life’s unpredictability.

In fact, that unpredictability isn’t a problem to solve — it’s the whole point.

Would I go back and erase the painful, sometimes brutal, relationships?

Whisper in the ear of sixteen-year-old me — Run?

Undo the bad decisions, the moments of deep hurt, the addictions I’ve battled, the opportunities missed?

Honestly, no.

Those unbearably painful moments that felt like mistakes have all shaped who I am.

I’m not sure who I’d be without them.

Actually, I do know — and I don’t want to be her.

Many of us feel life has betrayed us. We watch others’ lives move in certain directions and wonder — why not me? We feel lost and frustrated, asking why things didn’t go as hoped, thinking we made all the wrong turns.

But those 'wrong turns' aren’t necessarily mistakes.

They’re part of the human condition.

Life is inherently unpredictable, and no matter how much we try, we can’t control it.

We often believe that by following the script, we can avoid the mess.

But the mess is the story.

Your story.

So you may as well own it.

I’ve come to see that suffering isn’t something to avoid at all costs. It’s an inevitable part of being human — no one is exempt.

It’s through suffering that we grow, if we let it.

For me, therapy has been about helping others embrace discomfort. Understanding that suffering is part of the process, not an aberration. When we face it instead of running, when we stop pretending we’re in control, something unexpected happens — we start to grow.

The trick is meeting suffering with kindness rather than judgment. This is what self-compassion is about: treating ourselves as we would a friend. Allowing ourselves to be imperfect, to make mistakes, and still somehow find peace.

I think this hits so hard because we’re all looking for a definitive answer to the question: 'What now?'

As if there is a written answer.

Maybe there is — somewhere.

But you’re wasting your time trying to find it.

The best thing you can do is understand yourself and live more presently in each moment, growing patiently.

The better you know who you are — your values, what brings you happiness, fulfillment, peace, and what challenges you in helpful ways — the more you’ll trust yourself to make choices as they come.

Remember: there is no right choice.

There’s just a choice.

There’s just this one messy, unpredictable life, and it’s ours, whether we like it or not.

So if you’re sitting with the frustration that life isn’t going as expected, weighed down by unmet expectations, know that you’re not alone.

The journey, with all its imperfection, is the missing piece.

It will teach you who you are as it unfolds.