One Wave At A Time

Grief, in its many forms, is a strange and often isolating journey.

For many of us, it feels like a vast, uncharted sea - one that rolls in waves, sometimes gentle, other times overwhelming. In one moment, it can feel like the pain is all-consuming, and in the next, it may subside, only to return with renewed intensity later on.

The metaphor of waves in grief has become so common because it beautifully captures the way grief ebbs and flows. As a therapist, I often tell my clients that the key to navigating grief is to learn to ride the waves, rather than fighting them or pretending they don’t exist.

The challenge, however, is distinguishing between waves that are part of a healthy process of grieving and waves that indicate emotional avoidance or repression.

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The Nature of Grief Waves

The experience of loss is rarely linear.

Some days, we might feel a wave of grief hit us unexpectedly, while on other days, the feelings seem to lie dormant, hidden under the surface.

It’s easy to assume that these feelings have disappeared, so when the waves naturally return, it can feel alarming - because they can be HUGE. It’s important to remind ourselves that this is part of the grieving process - the mind and heart need time to adjust to a new reality without the presence of someone we loved.

As we experience these waves, we might find ourselves navigating them with a surprising sense of resilience. We learn to feel the waves, to let them pass over us without drowning in them.

And you might start to notice something in the calm. A lightness. Not to be confused with happiness or contentment.

More like an awareness that an emotional purge has occured. And an intuitive knowing that healing is taking place inside of you.

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Repression vs. Healthy Processing

The line between healthy grieving and repression can be delicate.

Repression is a defense mechanism proposed by Sigmund Freud in his psychoanalytic theory, where an individual unconsciously blocks out distressing thoughts, memories, or feelings from conscious awareness to protect the psyche from emotional pain. This process is thought to occur automatically, with the individual unaware of the repressed material.

Repression plays a key role in the development of later psychological problems, as unresolved issues can resurface later in life. Over time, repression is thought to hinder an individual’s ability to fully process emotions, leading to emotional numbness or chronic psychological distress.

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Repression is like pushing painful memories or feelings to the back of your mind because they’re too upsetting to deal with. While it might feel like it helps in the short term, these feelings don’t go away - they just hide in the background, and eventually, they might come back in unexpected ways.

Essentially, repression is the brain’s way of trying to protect us, but it doesn’t solve the problem.

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On the other hand, processing grief in parts involves experiencing the emotions as they come but without letting them consume us completely.

Healthy grieving involves allowing ourselves to feel the pain, but it also involves moments of respite. It’s about having the space to feel sad when we need to but also allowing joy and connection to be part of our experience too.

Or even just the plateau of nothingness.

This doesn’t mean ignoring the grief, but rather finding moments of balance between the waves of sorrow and the calm.

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One study published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology found that grief is not a linear process, but rather a series of peaks and valleys.

It’s also important to note that the process can differ greatly between individuals.

For some, it may take months or even years for the waves to dissipate, while for others, it might seem as though the intensity of grief decreases more quickly.

The key point is that the waves do tend to become less frequent and less intense over time, not because we stop grieving, but because our minds and bodies adapt to the loss.

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Psychologically, this 'adapting' period is critical.

It’s a sign that the mind is beginning to integrate the loss into a new reality.

But this doesn’t mean we’ve 'moved on' or that grief has completely left us. Rather, we’ve learned to navigate life without the intensity of the initial shock.

But are we in danger of repressing these emotions?

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How Do We Tell the Difference?

It can be hard to tell when we’re repressing grief and when we’re allowing it to dissipate naturally.

A key sign of repression is a persistent sense of disconnection. Grieving naturally brings a certain level of introspection-and-withdrawal, but if you find yourself completely disconnected from your feelings or relationships, it might be worth exploring whether you’re avoiding rather than processing your emotions.

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The Path of Healing

Grief is not something that can be rushed or controlled. It is an individual journey, one that involves a delicate balance between facing our emotions and allowing ourselves moments of relief.

While the waves of grief can be overwhelming, it’s important to remember that they are part of the healing process, even when they feel endless.

As a therapist, my advice is always to stay present with your grief, to ride the waves as they come, and to seek support when the burden feels too heavy. The waves may not ever fully disappear, but they do become less frequent, less intense. And when you find yourself overwhelmed, it’s okay to ask for help.

The journey through grief may be long, but there is hope for healing, one wave at a time.