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F.U.

Updated: Jun 25



Sometimes it makes me feel dirty, the past. Like a sinister suit, reluctantly slipping into its lifeless limbs, sagging at the knees and elbows, scars marking it's skin. There are so many things that I wish hadn't happened to me in my life, that I could go back and do again; people I wish I hadn't met, so many things I wish I hadn't had done or said. My life used to be full of drama and heartache. It took me a long time to realise that I was a part of this performance; so much of my life has been a distraction from myself. So many hearts have been places of temporary safety from the pain within my own. Now that I am standing still they look like the places of danger that they always were but which I was too blind to see.


They say that you shouldn't reget anything in life, but that's not been my experience. I regert a lot of things. I can't always say that I ignored my gut feeling. I think I listened to myself too much. Had no super ego to contain the hedonism.








I used to spend my whiole life ruminating about the past, bit for a long time I pretended that I hadn't been, my ego was unable to admit that I let the fuckers get to me all along. I'd directly disregarded my father's relentless motto: 'Don't let the buggers get you down'. I've been thinking about all the people who hurt me, all the mistakes I've made, all the hearts I've broken and how many times mine has been broken itself, over and over and decided that all I wanted was stillness and calm. I'd reached my limit on peopling and I felt no longer able to partcipate in the race.


It hurts to think about how much time I wasted that I will never get back.


Yet I am also at peace with myself and my life in a way that I haven't been before. Does that mean that I am finally learning how to let go and move on? No. Now I'm sitting in it


Now that I can see things from a different perspective - with more clarity and objectivity I cant help but feel thoroughly pissed off about the shit that I've had to endure at the hands of other people's bullshit. But the person who I am most mad with is me because I'm the one that put up woith it.


I sit with clients day in day out telling them that we become conditioned to want to help trying to fix things, to find another way, to keep showing up and being patient, showing love, but what we don't do is realise that we don't treat oursel;ves with the same kindess and consideraion, the same love. We spend so long loving other people the way we want to be loved that we lose ourselves in the process.


Letting go brings with it peace but also an inner tormetn, an awakenaing thats happened inside of you that now has nowehre to go.

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