
While therapy is often about validation and warmth, it’s also about challenge.
Yep, the c-word.
And no, I don’t mean that naughty word that divides opinion.
Challenge is an essential part of therapy. It’s the nudge (or occasionally a gentle shove) that helps you see things differently, break patterns, and make changes.
But here’s where it gets sticky: challenge can sometimes feel like judgment.
Why?
Because we’re human, and when someone pokes at our carefully constructed narratives, it can sting.
Why Challenge Can Feel Like Judgment
Judgment is about placing value - good, bad, right, wrong - on who you are or what you’ve done.
Challenge, on the other hand, is about exploration. It’s asking, “What was happening for you when you did that?” or “What might happen if you tried something different?”
But here’s the catch: when you’re feeling vulnerable, any question that pushes you out of your comfort zone can feel like a critique.
That’s because we’re wired to protect ourselves.
If your therapist says, “Do you notice a pattern in how you react when you feel ignored?” you might hear, “Wow, you’re a mess and getting this all wrong.”
The truth?
That’s your inner critic talking, not your therapist.
The Art of Good Challenge
Think of it as the difference between a sword and a scalpel.
Judgment slices through, leaving you wounded and defensive.
Challenge, when done right, is precise and intentional, designed to uncover something important without leaving you in a puddle on the floor.
For example, let’s say you’ve been complaining about a toxic relationship. A judgement might look like, “Well, why haven’t you just left?” A challenge instead might be, “What keeps you in this relationship, despite the pain it causes you?”
See the difference?
The first one implies blame; the second invites curiosity.
What to Do When Challenge Feels Like Judgment
So, you’re in a session, and your therapist says something that makes your stomach drop or like you want to poke them in the eye with a spoon.
Suddenly, it feels less like a therapeutic conversation and more like you’re being scolded.
What now?
Pause and Reflect: Before you storm out or decide your therapist is the useless, take a breath. Ask yourself: “Is this about what they said, or how I’m interpreting it?” Often, it’s the latter.
Speak Up: Therapy is a two-way street. If something feels off, say so. “When you asked that, it felt a bit like you were criticising me” is a great way to start. A good therapist won’t get defensive; they’ll explore what’s going on and clarify their intent.
Examine the Reaction: Feeling judged might actually be a clue about your own sensitivities. If you’re used to being criticised (by yourself or others), even neutral comments can feel loaded. Therapy is a chance to untangle that knot.
Stay Curious: Ask yourself, “What am I resisting here?” Sometimes, the discomfort is a sign you’ve hit on something important - a truth you’re not ready to face or a behaviour you’re reluctant to change. Sit with it.