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Criticism vs. Challenge In Therapy: Understanding The Difference

Writer's picture: Helen MooresHelen Moores



 

While therapy is often about validation and warmth, it’s also about challenge.


Yep, the c-word.


And no, I don’t mean that naughty word that divides opinion.


Challenge is an essential part of therapy. It’s the nudge (or occasionally a gentle shove) that helps you see things differently, break patterns, and make changes.


But here’s where it gets sticky: challenge can sometimes feel like judgment.


Why?


Because we’re human, and when someone pokes at our carefully constructed narratives, it can sting.


 

Why Challenge Can Feel Like Judgment


Judgment is about placing value - good, bad, right, wrong - on who you are or what you’ve done.


Challenge, on the other hand, is about exploration. It’s asking, “What was happening for you when you did that?” or “What might happen if you tried something different?”


But here’s the catch: when you’re feeling vulnerable, any question that pushes you out of your comfort zone can feel like a critique.


That’s because we’re wired to protect ourselves.


If your therapist says, “Do you notice a pattern in how you react when you feel ignored?” you might hear, “Wow, you’re a mess and getting this all wrong.”


The truth?


That’s your inner critic talking, not your therapist.


 

The Art of Good Challenge


Think of it as the difference between a sword and a scalpel.


Judgment slices through, leaving you wounded and defensive.


Challenge, when done right, is precise and intentional, designed to uncover something important without leaving you in a puddle on the floor.


For example, let’s say you’ve been complaining about a toxic relationship. A judgement might look like, “Well, why haven’t you just left?” A challenge instead might be, “What keeps you in this relationship, despite the pain it causes you?”


See the difference?


The first one implies blame; the second invites curiosity.


 

What to Do When Challenge Feels Like Judgment


So, you’re in a session, and your therapist says something that makes your stomach drop or like you want to poke them in the eye with a spoon.


Suddenly, it feels less like a therapeutic conversation and more like you’re being scolded.


What now?


  1. Pause and Reflect: Before you storm out or decide your therapist is the useless, take a breath. Ask yourself: “Is this about what they said, or how I’m interpreting it?” Often, it’s the latter.


  2. Speak Up: Therapy is a two-way street. If something feels off, say so. “When you asked that, it felt a bit like you were criticising me” is a great way to start. A good therapist won’t get defensive; they’ll explore what’s going on and clarify their intent.


  3. Examine the Reaction: Feeling judged might actually be a clue about your own sensitivities. If you’re used to being criticised (by yourself or others), even neutral comments can feel loaded. Therapy is a chance to untangle that knot.


  4. Stay Curious: Ask yourself, “What am I resisting here?” Sometimes, the discomfort is a sign you’ve hit on something important - a truth you’re not ready to face or a behaviour you’re reluctant to change. Sit with it.



 

What You Can Learn About Yourself


The way you react to challenge in therapy can tell you loads about how you handle discomfort and growth in life.


Are you defensive?


Do you shut down?


Or do you lean in, even when it’s hard?


 


Learning to tolerate challenges without spiralling into criticism is like building emotional muscle.


It’s uncomfortable at first, but over time, it makes you stronger.


You might discover that you’ve been avoiding hard truths, sticking to old habits, or clinging to stories that no longer serve you.


And once you see that, you can change it.


 

The Therapist’s Role


Let’s not forget, therapists aren’t infallible.


We’re human, too.


Sometimes, we might get the tone or timing of a challenge wrong.


If that happens, tell us.


Therapy is a collaborative process, and a good therapist will always welcome an honest conversation about the therapeutic relationship.


 

Remember, the goal of therapy isn’t to make you feel good all the time.


It’s to help you grow, heal, and understand yourself more deeply.


And sometimes, that means sitting in the discomfort of a well-placed challenge and realising it’s not judgment -it’s an invitation to become the best version of yourself.


So, next time your therapist says something that makes you feel discomfort, take a deep breath.


That uncomfortable moment might just be the beginning of a breakthrough.


And isn’t that what you signed up for?


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