We’ve all had those moments in relationships—whether with friends, family, or partners—where things get messy, frustrating, and mind-bendingly confusing.
Do you find yourself constantly playing the role of the fixer? Or maybe you feel like you're always the one getting hurt?
Psychoanalytic theory offers a fascinating lens for understanding these patterns, particularly through the Drama Triangle, developed by psychologist Stephen Karpman in the late 1960s. It reveals how we unconsciously fall into specific roles (sometimes but not always just during conflicts).
Roles that keep us stuck in unhealthy dynamics.
But to truly grasp why we repeat these patterns, we need to dig a bit deeper into the psychoanalytic roots behind them. So, grab a brew, and let’s explore how our unconscious minds can keep us looping through the same relationship mistakes—and how we can break free.
The Basics: What Is the Drama Triangle?
Karpman’s Drama Triangle describes three core roles people unconsciously adopt during interpersonal conflicts:
The Rescuer: The fixer, the helper, the one who swoops in to save the day—even when help wasn't asked for.
The Victim:Â The one who feels powerless, helpless, and often seeks to label external sources (often other people) as the reason for their problems.
The Persecutor:Â The critical, blaming figure who points out flaws and faults in others, often with a harsh tone. They often make a lot of 'You' statements.
These roles are fluid depending on any day and time of the week and who you are 'in relationship with' at that moment. You might start the conversation as a Rescuer but find yourself feeling unappreciated as it goes on and then shift into the Victim or Persecutor role.
The point is, it’s a cycle—and a pretty toxic one.
So, Why Do We Fall Into These Roles?
This is where psychoanalytic theory can help us understand what is happening. At its core, psychoanalysis is all about the unconscious mind—the hidden drives, fears, and unresolved childhood experiences that influence our behavior without us even realizing it.
Early Childhood Patterns
Our early family dynamics set the stage for how we interact in adult relationships. If you grew up in a household where you felt powerless or had to emotionally care for a struggling parent, you might unconsciously seek out those same dynamics later in life. It feels familiar, even if it’s painful.
Defense Mechanisms
Defense mechanisms—such as projection and displacement—play a big role here too. Essentially, you are trying to get an uncomfortable feeling out of you and into another (projection), or someone might use an 'object' (another person or thing) to, what is commonly referred to as, take it out on. A great example of displacement is the old saying of kicking the cat after a bad day at work.
Please don't kick the cat. Or any human.
But especially not the cat.
These patterns serve to protect the ego from discomfort but keep us stuck in relational loops.
Unmet Emotional Needs
Sometimes we’re seeking unmet emotional needs—like validation, control, or connection.
The Rescuer, for instance, might derive a sense of worth from being needed. Next time you feel unappreciated ask yourself if you would do the same 'act of care' if the other person never knew that it was you who had done it. If the answer is anything other than 'I would still do it, happily' then you are most probably Rescuing. When 'acts of care' come from a Rescusing place, the possibility of negative relational side effects is likely.
Why It Hurts Relationships
The Drama Triangle has real emotional consequences. Here's why it can damage relationships:
Lack of Authentic Communication:Â People focus on maintaining the authority of their roles instead of expressing true feelings and needs - being vulnerable.
Emotional Burnout:Â Rescuers often feel unappreciated, while Victims feel perpetually stuck. Rigidity and unwavering commitment to these roles can eventually lead to burnout and relationship breakdown.
Resentment and Blame:Â The cycle fuels blame and frustration rather than problem-solving and real connection and communication. Some people can experience fixing behaving as overbearing and suffocating and begin to resent you even though you genuinely care but are overspilling onto the other person.
Codependency:Â The dynamic can create enmeshment, where boundaries blur and autonomy is lost. You can become trapped in the dance.
Breaking Free from the Drama Triangle
So how do we break the cycle? It requires both self-awareness and a shift in mindset.
1. Identify Your Default Role
The first step is self-reflection. Ask yourself:
Do I often feel the need to fix others' problems?
Do I feel powerless or frequently seek sympathy?
Do I criticize or blame when I feel stressed? And say things that I don't mean?
Recognizing your patterns is key.
2. Explore the Root Causes
Dig deeper. When did you first feel the need to take on this role? Journalling about childhood experiences can reveal how early relational patterns shaped your current behaviour. Start by looking at one main relationship in your life that brings you the most conflict and apply the Drama Triangle to look for patterns in how you and this person relate within the three roles.
3. Challenge Unconscious Beliefs - CHANGE
For example:
"I'm only lovable if I'm needed" (Rescuer)
"I'm powerless to change my life/Everyone is out to hurt me" (Victim)
"I feel superior when I point out flaws because I feel vulnerable inside and not enough" (Persecutor)
Challenge these beliefs with healthier ones like: "I am valuable just as I am." Reassure yourself that you fall into these roles because you feel vulnerable and are struggling with the relationship you have with yourself. How you respond in conflict, and relate to those around you, is often not actually about the other person.
Even if they are objectively acting like an arsehole.
Remember that you have more power than you think. Use it for good.
4. Shift to the Empowerment Triangle
David Emerald expanded on Karpman's model with the Empowerment Dynamic, which transforms the roles into healthier alternatives:
Victim → Creator: Take responsibility for your actions and choices. Remember that you can change and create your own future. You have the tools and the ones you don't have you can learn. Take small steps. Have faith in yourself.
Rescuer → Coach: Offer support to others without taking over. Start with 'What do you need from me right now?' rather than assuming you know what's best for someone else. Sometimes loving someone else is supporting them in being able to identify their own feelings and needs.
Persecutor → Challenger: Provide constructive feedback when appropriate and with empathy.
5. Practice Emotional Boundaries
Healthy boundaries prevent us from being pulled into toxic roles. Learn to differentiate between supporting someone and rescuing them. It’s okay to offer empathy without fixing. It really is ok to say, 'Wow, that sounds really shit. I'm sorry you're going through that.' Then don't say anything else. If the other person wants to share more, believe me, they will.
It is important to recognise when someone is trying to pull you into a certain role. Â Notice when you are being drawn into playing tit for tat and do not succumb to the temptation. Notice when you are being unkind and whether what you're about to say or have just said is hurtful and that you are no longer communicating.
Learn to walk away when you feel emotionally reactive. Instead of being drawn into saying: You f•cking •••• I can't believe you would say that after...' instead try saying - That wasn't the answer I was hoping for. Or I feel hurt that you both think that about me and said it out loud.
Even if you know objectively that you are being spoken to badly and it is not right.
Always remember: you do not have to be drawn into the triangle.
People need to keep their roles because it makes them feel safe and in a false sense of control. But you can choose not to jump into one of the other two roles. This doesn't mean that the other person will automatically relinquish their role but it will, after a certain amount of time, extinguish the fire. Even if that means you remove yourself peacefully and with respect from the dance.
6. Embrace Vulnerability and Direct Communication
Instead of falling into passive roles, speak openly about your feelings. Saying, "I feel overwhelmed and need help with this issue," is far healthier than unconsciously playing Victim. Saying "I wish I could take it all away for you' is much healthier than offering 1,001 suggestions uninvited about how someone could overcome their problem.
Final Thoughts
Understanding the Drama Triangle through the lens of psychoanalytic theory can be a game-changer in relationships. It helps us see how unresolved patterns and unconscious drives can shape conflict—and, more importantly, how to break free.
By becoming more self-aware and stepping into healthier roles, we can create deeper, more fulfilling connections. You can't control how someone else reacts but you can control how you react.
You do not have to play the game.
The next time you feel tension in a relationship, pause and ask yourself:
"Am I stepping into the Drama Triangle right now?"
Awareness is the first step toward lasting change—and healthier, happier relationships.