Getting over an ex is bad enough, let alone when you have been in love with a narcissist and are now trying to move on and heal. The damage that narcissistic abuse causes should never be underestimated, and there is no clear timeframe for when you will have processed everything and start to feel better. Most people tend to make the same mistakes in these break-ups and ideally you would seek professional help with a therapist.
Unfortunately, not everyone can afford therapy, even though they're going through the worst time in their life. Living day-to-day can be a real battle.
Here are 15 tips to help you on your healing journey that you can start doing today:
Accept that you have been in a relationship with a Pathologically Personality Disordered person. This is the hardest but the most important step. These are pervasive disorders that cannot change. Your love won't heal them. Understand how your Super Traits are causing you to struggle with this acceptance. To read more click here.
Understand that you are stuck in cognitive dissonance (confusion, not only but including, about how they could be both bad and good). You find yourself constantly asking: Why? This causes unbelievable amounts of emotional pain. You are trying to find a rational answer to an irrational problem (refer back to point number one). You now have the answer you have been searching for all this time: How could they do this to me? Because their behaviour is pathological. The Cambridge dictionary defines this as: someone who is unable to control part of their behaviour; of, or caused, by disease. Their treatment of you is a reflection of them and not you.
They must recognise the problems with their behaviour and want to change.
Generally, they don’t. You know this.
But what about all the promises they made you that they would change?
Understand that promises to change were to get you to change your mind. To control you and the situation. They never intended to keep those promises because deep down they aren't able to see themselves as the problem. And even if they start therapy, they normally don't stay. And it’s likely therapy will be used as a weapon against you.
Accept that you will play the bad guy in their story, possibly forever. The people who hear you painted in this way and believe it don’t matter, because those people don’t know you. Learn to be ok with this. Stop trying to get them to see your narrative - you're wasting your breath. What other people think about you is none of your business.
Understand that the cycle of hoovering, lovebombing, devaluing and discarding is an intentional strategy to get control of you. It is behavioural manipulation through emotions. Watch reality TV and learn to spot narcissists and the abuse cycle in action. I’ve seen the entire cycle happen as quickly as in one scene. If you notice your anxiety go up and/or your body tense up, it’s because you’re watching a narc at work and your nervous system is being triggered.
Then, if you find yourself back in the cycle - which, let's be honest, you possibly will because this shit is hard and I know that you are doing your best - you are only human. But, if you do, when you know the next 'issue' is bubbling up, start to observe their behaviour in terms of the cycle. Don't respond to their narrative about you.
It's a game - understand that.
but, the truth is, you should ideally...
GO NO CONTACT. This allows your body and mind to adjust to your reality and process what you have been through. This will be painful as f*ck, but it will mean that their manipulation and brainwashing are not affecting you anymore, and therefore your authentic Self will grow and get stronger and protect you from further abuse. The cognitive dissonance will also start to dissipate as this part of you becomes stronger and has more of a voice.
Don’t get a drastic spur-of-the-moment haircut. You’ll probably regret it.
Don’t cut your own fringe late at night with the kitchen or nail scissors after a few wines and the perusing of Tiktok videos. Trust me, you’ll definitely regret it.
Delete them from social media. And no, limiting what they can see doesn't count as the full step (but is still a step forward). Try really hard to not have any connection to them online IN ANY WAY. Stalking them on social media is just another way for your cognitive dissonance to take hold of you before you find yourself back in the cycle. For example, when you find yourself drunk on the kitchen floor at 12.35am, the remnants of a late night takeaway scattered around you, and you start to wonder 'What harm could it really do to just have a peek??'
We already know the answer to that question, don't we.
Read. Online information is sometimes great, but often not reliable, and a lot is misinformed. Use Google Scholar for scientific papers. Avoid learning about them, but instead learn about you. Read books; ‘Love & Addiction’ by S. Peele and ‘Women Who Love Too Much’ by R. Norwood are great places to start.
Write. I know it's such a cliche because I'm a therapist and we always go on and on about journaling, but I'll let you into a little secret - I am terrible at making sure I prioritise journaling. I don't do it everyday. Honestly? Weeks go by and I haven't done it. This is something that I'm working on! But, it has always been my go-to when I've really been really struggling. I have rows and rows of diaries dating back years. It really does help. Try and even just write three words a day, or a couple of sentences. Just remember, this is not another people-pleasing assignment.
Exercise and get out in nature. Here's another secret - I hate exercising. Hate, hate, hate. However, I love how I feel after I've exercised. So really, I don't hate exercise at all. I'd even go so far as to say that I enjoy running! But I absolutely hate the thought of it, and that is an old me speaking: a defended me. And yes, sometimes (often) simply a lazy me. It is indeed easier to stay where we are. To not move. To not have to overpower the voice that says: But it will be hard. Or I will be shit. Or it's cold. Or I'm tired. We're not interested in what's easy anymore. We're interested in movement, in growth. You've got this. Remeber the last time you did it, and you felt so good after and you have less anxiety and...I dare say it...you felt proud of yourself? That felt good, remember?' Learn to be gentle but nurturing with yourself. Learn to go in small steps. Learn not to be a drill sargeant but more best friend.
Ride the waves when they come. And BOY will they come. One minute you might feel totally normal and in good spirits, really hopeful about the future, and the next minute you're crying your eyes out and don't see the point of even putting deodorant on anymore. Trust that the wave will die down. When you're feeling sad, let yourself. Put music on and get those tears out. Get the emotion out. It wont take the feelings away but gradually the waves will becomes smaller and smaller, and more manageable, over time.
See friends and family as much as possible and share with them what’s been going on (if you can) and how you feel. They will be the rational sounding board for how you’ve been treated and what you deserve, in the moments when you’ve lost sight of both these things.
*The other side of this, I would argue, is not sharing because it doesn't feel safe for whatever reason. Sometimes, not sharing with family and/or friends is in your best interests. You may notice that loved ones have either run out of the capacity to hear your troubles - because they love you and are frustrated - or there will be a few people who judge you. Please know that this isn't your fault and it isn't personal. People judge because they're trying to make sense of something they don't understand. It's just their perception. Remember number four.
Have compassion and empathy for yourself and accept that you didn’t do anything to deserve this.Â
And that you do deserve better.